Reliving the trauma

I am scared and horrified at one moment and at the other moment, I am living my happiest life. I knew it was coming but didn't know it would be this hard. I knew when Jennie (my career advisor) told me that sometimes the trauma doesn't just go away, you relive it. It comes back gradually and eats you up. She encouraged me that I should hit up my counselor. I was in my highest highs during it and now I have been in the rollercoaster in a day.

It feels like the tiredness is engulfing you inside out and then next moment you stare at a wall and then you cry out loud, a couple of minutes later you see your boyfriend and you are in your highest highs and the next moment you just want some space from him.

It feels like torture not only to me but the people surrounding me. It feels like I am a burden to them and if I were to get lost tomorrow, everyone would be a relief.

I started looking up my counselor to call her since social distancing is really playing a part in these episodes. Turns out I cannot find her contact now because she graduated from her Master's program. Now, I am emailing all of them to see if anyone has her contact because I don't want to explain "Why do you think this is happening?" question again.

I reach out to people and I feel unwanted. Yeah, I am overthinking but this it how reliving the trauma makes you feel. Feeling tired 24/7 was the first sign. I was aware of it but I still let it pass by because I thought maybe it won't happen again. But, when it did happen again and again every day for the last couple fo weeks. It burst out in a thousand different emotions. Sometimes it makes me feel sleepy and sometimes it makes me lose my sleep.

And I am not asking you to pity me. this is the only place I can be vulnerable and still be okay. So in this space, please let me be me. Let me the girl with thousands of emotions. Please let me be the crazy overthinking one but just let me be me. 

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