forgotten fields

She says I am not calling her or picking up her calls. She says I have forgotten possibly everything that existed in those fields. But at the same time she says I am a free spirit and I should learn how not to take it to the heart.
It's like barren, deserted, and why shouldn't I forget it since it was only been there for a month. As I traveled from thousand of fields and fields and never stayed clam in one. I stumbled around like a hurricane and wind and taking forms of air and breeze
How can I remember every field that I have crossed? It's like remembering every unique day of your life.
How can I remember them when I can't remember my mom's face but only her voice through the phone calls
How can I remember my dad's love when the only thing that I hear is his talks through the calls.
How can I remember when I was meant to store everything in my arms but not in my head.
How can I remember when I was meant to be free with everything from every memory.
Forgotten fields I titled it. So that I can remember about the things that I hardly keep in brain.

To the one who gave up

Thanks for giving up on me and making me look like an idiot.
Thanks for not sticking to your word.
Thanks for acting like "you are my best friend" to "it was kinda your fault"
Thanks for talking about people behind their back
and when I finally stood up thanks for not standing up for me.

Thanks for being my 2020 life lesson!
My dad was right. My friends come and go.
Thanks for making me realize that I need to pull my hard up.

So now since I am making you leave for right now,
I'll make sure to leave the door maybe after a week.
So, you just stop by and say "Hi" because after this I am not coming out for you.
I am not standing up for you.
I am not gonna be your sidekick anymore.
I am not crying for you
and most especially I am not gonna fight for you.

I wish you luck and very best for your future,
I wish you happiness and I also wish you realize that being the "go" of the party
doesn't make you a great friend.

I wish you luck with your wonderful party friends!


Reliving the trauma

I am scared and horrified at one moment and at the other moment, I am living my happiest life. I knew it was coming but didn't know it would be this hard. I knew when Jennie (my career advisor) told me that sometimes the trauma doesn't just go away, you relive it. It comes back gradually and eats you up. She encouraged me that I should hit up my counselor. I was in my highest highs during it and now I have been in the rollercoaster in a day.

It feels like the tiredness is engulfing you inside out and then next moment you stare at a wall and then you cry out loud, a couple of minutes later you see your boyfriend and you are in your highest highs and the next moment you just want some space from him.

It feels like torture not only to me but the people surrounding me. It feels like I am a burden to them and if I were to get lost tomorrow, everyone would be a relief.

I started looking up my counselor to call her since social distancing is really playing a part in these episodes. Turns out I cannot find her contact now because she graduated from her Master's program. Now, I am emailing all of them to see if anyone has her contact because I don't want to explain "Why do you think this is happening?" question again.

I reach out to people and I feel unwanted. Yeah, I am overthinking but this it how reliving the trauma makes you feel. Feeling tired 24/7 was the first sign. I was aware of it but I still let it pass by because I thought maybe it won't happen again. But, when it did happen again and again every day for the last couple fo weeks. It burst out in a thousand different emotions. Sometimes it makes me feel sleepy and sometimes it makes me lose my sleep.

And I am not asking you to pity me. this is the only place I can be vulnerable and still be okay. So in this space, please let me be me. Let me the girl with thousands of emotions. Please let me be the crazy overthinking one but just let me be me. 

Letter to the first one

I hope this letter finds you well. I guess.
I don't even know what to write because it's been almost 13 years since we last talked. Yeah, I was too young to get into a relationship and to be honest I hardly knew what "relationship" looked like or how it felt like or how "love" was spelled or felt like. 

Downhill Down road 2019

2019 was a rough road. Everything that was a dream come true in 2018, it went downhill and more downhill, so much, that I knew the exact definition of anxiety and panic attack. But every journey has pages of 2018 that have brought me closer to myself and every chapter has a lesson to learn from.
Here are some of the lessons I got and the people that I appreciated during 2019.