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It's been a few weeks and all I feel is numbness. I don't feel hurt anymore, maybe I took more than I should have. Maybe I just thought I was tough enough but nope I wave that white flag now.

Visited the counseling center, talked to thousands of people about their whereabouts, which I used to loved and now all I wanna do is nothing.

She asked if I keep a journal.
I replied, "I used too."
"Writing and reading were my life now I just don't know what I wanna write about. I don't know if I should even write," I cried. "I am just tired of feeling the same way every freaking day." It just freaks me out to be this way.

I start my morning crying, the anxiety just gulfs me in.  Just like a summer ago, when I was trapped beneath that rafting boat, blocked between huge rocks and hitting the surface of the boat constantly, begging them to move so I could finally emerge from the water and inhale. The only difference then and now is "then" I found a way to get out, "now" I wake up breathless and exhausted, figuring out it was just a dream and I am still alive.

I look for thousands of writings prompt to write but nope nothing comes out from the inner core.
All I do during this evening is turn the fairy lights on so my room is little dark but cozy, play the "warm fuzzy feeling" playlist in Spotify, thinking maybe this will help since it used to be my favorite weekend thing to do. I look out the window and sob thinking that once upon a time this little cozy room with fairy lights and slight traffic outside my window was a dream. Now, it is just hollow inside and out.  

2 comments:

  1. You sounded more energetic and alive when you were talking at orientation. Just skip these feelings by reading books or maybe watching movies(complaining about situations works too:D )

    Cheers

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