18 incomplete drafts

As a creative writing minor, my laptop and school account are filled with thousands of the incomplete draft. It's not like I don't want to complete them. I just lose the feeling or I just like some of my thoughts so much that I had to put them down. and sometimes even though I like the thpught I just wanna leave it as it is, to let some of my readers continue those thoughts and leaving them space to complete it.
Here are a collection of 18 drafts that have never been touched since 2014.
Warning: these are neither edited nor revised or looked back after my first pen to paper moment.

Draft 1: forgotten fields
First written 2014
She says I am not calling her or picking up her calls. She says I have forgotten possibly everything that existed in those fields. But at the same time she says I am a free spirit and i should learn how to not take it to the heart.
It's like barren deserted and why shouldn't i forget it since it was only been there for a month. As i traveled from thousand of fields and fields and never stayed clam in one\I stumbled around like a hurricane and wind and taking forms of air and breeze
How can I remember every fields that I have crossed. It's like remembering every unique day of your life.n
How can I remember them when I can't remember my mom's face but only her voice through the phone calls
How can I remember my dad's love when only I can hear is his talks through the calls.
How can I remember when i was mean tot store everything in my arms but not in my head.
How can i remember when i was meant to be free with everything from every memories.
Forgotten fields i titled it. SO that i could remember about the thing i forget that i hardly keep in brain.

Draft 2: She
First Written 2014
She lost herself. She lost herself to the world of neat fine lines and silent rooms. She lost herself to the handcuffs of cleanliness. She lost herself in the world full of anesthetics. She lost herself in the perfect world where she wasn't meant to be.

But, deep down
she is loud conversations and cocktails 
in the room filled with silence
she is a chunk of broken objects

she knows sour breath more than she knows mild
she converts drunken tumult to a language understood 

She is Bacardi in a coffee mug
something wild and something fun
something dangerous yet something safe
someone wrong yet something beautiful

She is yet
she is
Bacardi in a coffee mug

Draft 3: cigarettes and lipsticks 
First Written: 2015
I was sleeping, calmly on my black bodycon from the last night's party. My mascara and kajal weren't the same. If I remember they were on my eyes, making my eyes stunning but now they are melting away down to my cheeks forming the long river of charcoal black filled with memories. It was 3 am when I head back at home, shoving away my 6 inches of LV and dumping straight to the soft blankets and dreamy pillows. It is just 5 a.m. now. Last night's alcohol has been thumping my head and last night's cigar marks are still on my body, making me look like a paper with too many punch holes, dark and evil as his eyes, deepening down to the skin pores.

8 am when the pain slowed down and my head started to calm and my eyes started to weaken I heard his footsteps marching towards my room like a bunch of military thumping their boots for something horror to come. I heard him unlock the door, keys fixing the holes like once we used to. The edge of the knob was not rotated like our faiths

Draft 4: "No title"
First Written: 11/13/2018
They ask me why do I hate her
I say I hate her because she is pretends to be the sweetness from the fresh honey comb and turns to be like Henzel and Gretel's story witch.
They say they like her
I say I fucking hate that cunt who made me swim thousands of miles of tear and pulled me apart
I say she pretended and pretended and pretended until her last breath
I say all she did was blinked her eyes, which she took hundreds of hours to do that single strip.

Draft 5: "No Title"
First Written: 12/30/2018
It scares me that every day passes by and everyday i come one more day close to responsibilities that I don't wanna take. Everyday it's like lazy sloth laying in be and thinking of thousand different excuses to escape her reality. My manager suggests me to read self help books. I picked up five books from the library all at the same time saying I wanna read some self growth book and learn from them. The realities in self help book always freaks me out. They slap me hard in the face, making me see like a fool who knows how to be successful but is too lazy to get her ass up. Non-fiction never really interest me what interest me more was fiction where your imagination comes to life. You don't need to ask the guy sitting besdie you in the class but ask you ficitional character and they will be ok to accept your mess and will go out on date. Fiction just makes ou feel alive in the next world, where you dress like a model, princess pauper or geek and everything in between but be satisfied. Fiction where your heart gets melted with awws and gets frozen with some no way how can you do that to her you asshole. I love fiction because somewhere between those lines you can feel the rain, smell the breeze and celebrate fro the storm but non fiction is like a desert land or a beach or wintry mountain but then the thing is I don't get to change it to the rainny season where i can just sip a coffee wearing my hge tshirt and chill. It's just there pinching your skin.
Fiction and poetry just makes me breather but lately my battle reading some self help book is going strong. They suggest me to talk positive but then I just wanna write what I feel rather than to feel whom I am not. I wanna pour it out with what positive thinkers called with sorrows, heartaches and lots of pain. After all I should get a place to pour out my negativity.
I bottle up things I agree because I don't exactly feel comfortable to open up with people. It just feels useless because they are not living my life and they don't know how it feels like. They just say they do but they don't.
In fcition i can be a hot model to a rockstar and still be young and away from responsisbilities but reailty is just way to hard sometimes.
Hard to swallow.

-Good Night

Draft 6: Maybe I grew up a little
First Written: 1/5/19
I always thought that relationship was all about glitters, rainbows and happily ever after. My mom and dad aren't a perfect couple because time and again they have a small fit and time and again they piss each other off. But my perfect relationships existed in books and series, where there is always happily ever after, where there is always romantic kisses and fireworks, some crazy people finding a way to screw it but it always have a good ending.
But, my brain turned a huge 180 degree when I was introduced to Nicholas Sparks, that man has killed more people than I have imagined.

Draft 7: He might be a dickhead or he might be the perfect one
First Written: 1/31/2019
< Nothing in the content just title>

Draft 8:
First Written: 2/3/2019
It's ok to love someone immensely and never getting that love back. It's ok to be in the middle of crowd and loving him when you know he is just imagining another on in his arms. it's ok because the love we have given to the wrong person, will find it's way back to us. Maybe that l;ove is just lost in the loop hole or that love is just somewhere lost between the maze of crowded people. Or maybe it is lost and finding it's way back to you.

Draft 9: The topline
First Written: 2/10/2019
Grateful and Thankful for whatever my life brings me.
I just read Josh Allen's book 7 spiritual laws of success. So, I am pumped up to write this blog as well as get back to the track of blogging with my best friend @kajol. 
I was just chatting with my American girls who are in Wyoming right now and I am here a little bit east; Chicago, Illinois for my first ever business trip with Alpha Kappa Psi. 
Chills, Thrills heck ya! Lots of them.

Day 1
Landed and took a train. Dressed in our Akpsi colors we stopped at Monroe Station, we were wondering where do we go next. But then a guy marching towards us shouted, "AKPsi, follow me." Not knowing who he was, we six girls just followed them. The guy's name was Matt from the University of Utah. Gabbi who was with him turned back and said," We are not joking, we are from Akpsi too." We wandered everywhere but the good thing was we got to know them too. When we finally found the Palmer Hotel Gabbi commented, "This is freaking palace." 
Registrations, food, and some keynote speakers when we finally headed to case competition and that's the time when I met Annie and Carlos, my business partners for the case competition. I didn't feel I was working as an individual but I felt the feeling o team with them. Annie is the VP of Membership, she was just like a ray of sunshine, always happy and positive. I don't think I felt nervous or any negative thoughts around her. Carlos, he is like a soft hearted person, who threw ideas, combined some team ideas but at the same side wasn't scared to threw his opinions and how we cna better them. The quality of a true CEO. I never felt more so grateful to work with anyone but them. Together we named ourselves "TopLine" 
 People are probably wandering what the fuck is topline. So we came up with this name by collaborating tn

Akpsi gears everywhere. I didn't only meet the smart people but also met people who were solid drunk and didn't know what was going on. Pretty Funny, typical greek life like I imagined when I entered the United States. But along with it, I 
 I was texting my girls about how bored was I since all my friends were in the official meeting and I, on the other hand, was a non-officer. I wish they were here. We would have thrilled the Chicago instead. But then after that text, I was like Are you fucking kidding me? I am the boss of my life I get to decide where should I go and where should I not. I am the boss to decide how should I feel. So, I grabbed my purse, my coat and just in that business professional I head towards the streets of Chicago where the skycrapers were hugging the sky and the morning sunshine was too dim infront of the lights. The shiny mirrors, the cleaned side walks, the cold breeze hitting my feet and my sound of my heels clicking awaring everyone who is here. I went to the big Target because I love to shop and to all the other store in the line. 

Now I am sitting in the starbucks, writing my story done for the day.

Draft 10: Hopeless Romantics
First Written: 3/3/2019
"There are two kinds of people in this world: hopeless romantics and realists." - Samantha Borgens
Except the realists are called cynical.
Draft 11: 
First Written: 3/3/2019
Dear Diary,

I was at the weekends. Woohoo! There are thousands of blogs pending to publish. Thousand differetn title but I don't know whether I should share ti or not because most of them are just few lines of emotions wrapped in ink, some are nothing but huge long stories. I have been feeling this way since a really long time. It's kinda empty, sad and hollow feeling where all I wanna do is find myself. When everything you do doesn't make sense and even breathing. I felt it because it might be because I have't read hopeless romantics books or it might be beacuse I haven't cried in a week. Probably because last friday I just realised how I am scared of rejection so scared that I am gonna shit my pants. Scared to be asked out and scared to ask somebody out. There are times where I have just shut down guys so that they won't leave me at the end when they see my bad side. I just stop them to even enter. Me and Abby talked about our past relationship and Abby Annika has never been scared to start something new. They might take time to move on or do some mistakes but after all we regret the things that we don't do. Me on the other hand, I would shut everyone who walks in. How many guys asked me out for a dance in the bar many! But how many did I actually respond to- None.

This fear of rejection might go away but it's juts not gonna go away just like that. This hopeless romantics heart was hopeful romantic heart which just got crumbbled.   Maybe slowly but someday, turtle steps but maybe someday.

Draft 12: In the middle of the maze
First Written:
If she could tell what she was feeling she would babble thousands of words in thousands of different languages and fill up the walls like murals. 
If she could tell how she was feeling she would light up the sky and burn it down. She would smile at the stars and then cry it out loud. 
If she knew which language her heart would speak, she would have written thousands of romance novels and heartbroken poetry, swiggled with thousands of metaphors and smilies, shivering all the hearts like the Chicago's polar vortex.

Draft 13: My Shitty First Draft
First Written: 4/16/2019
When my mentor told me about the "Shitty First Draft," it immediately became my blog prompt. He encouraged us to write about something that you are not satisfied with or something that is making you feel not so great and then deeper thinking on it why you are feeling that way.
So bare with me with my rant. I don't know how many pages it is gonna take or how many days it is gonna take but the good hing is it is gonna end somewhere.

These days have been lazy. Lazy but not exactly lazy. I wake

It hurts. It fucking hurt when people are pissed off and I can't make their day any better. Just like today!
I fuckling pissed off my collegues askibng too many questions. and guess what my struggle with coffe machine was so real that he checked and aske what are you doing I was like cleaning and he grabs the whole bin and dumps it ut. I shouted omg and said sorry i didn't know how to do it. so yeah the next thing i know is he

Draft 14: Ode
First Written: 4/18/19
ode to my barbie doll, which i bought with a lot of sweat and cry.
Ode to the day when I laid in the middle of the street just like a big fat cow. I could hear cars honking, people shouting and bicylces trin tring I looked at my mom who was boiling like water in that hot summer.
Draft 15: 
First Written: 5/11/19
Let’s just wait
Can you just don’t look at me like that
I mean i am scared
I scared about life in general and now you show up
Please give me some space
I have a bubble i am scared you are gonna burst into it
I have been protecting myself from heartache and i don’t have enough courage to shut you down

Draft 16: What I need is a cup of tea and self-talk 
First Written: 7/13/2019
I am loved. I am blessed. I am one of a kind. I am a free-spirit with a calm mind.
I am loved. I am blessed. I am one of a kind. I am a free-spirit with a calm mind.
I am loved. I am blessed. I am one of a kind. I am a free-spirit with a calm mind.
I am loved. I am blessed. I am one of a kind. I am a free-spirit with a calm mind.
I am loved. I am blessed. I am one of a kind. I am a free-spirit with a calm mind.
I am loved. I am blessed. I am one of a kind. I am a free-spirit with a calm mind.
I am loved. I am blessed. I am one of a kind. I am a free-spirit with a calm mind.
I am loved. I am blessed. I am one of a kind. I am a free-spirit with a calm mind.
I am loved. I am blessed. I am one of a kind. I am a free-spirit with a calm mind.
I am loved. I am blessed. I am one of a kind. I am a free-spirit with a calm mind.
I am loved. I am blessed. I am one of a kind. I am a free-spirit with a calm mind.
Lemme grab a cup of tea now!

Sometimes life just turn upside down and your everything is falling apart. Your fairy tale life is turning into grey and white, just boring with a lots of worries. My feelings were piling up and up and up and 

Draft 17: that little notch
First Written: 7/19/19
to be honest i am just scared and tired. I am scared that i am going to give my all and people are not really not gonna live their to me. I am scared that they judge me not becuase who i am but who they thought i was. I am tired fo all the things that i meant to be doing. i just need a break. i need a break from all the mighty self and be a weak for a little while.

Every morning anxiety hits me hard. I get up just with a regret please don't just be another day. Just want my nights to get longer and longer and infinitely longer that when I sleep I know there are thousands more hours left before I turn the misery on.

To be honest I just wish I had an on and off button. Turn on whenever you are ready face misery and turn it off whenever it hurts.

the summer has changed a lot. This summer!
the one city that has always in my bucket list is now the last place that I ever wanna visit. I used to like the fast track speed where I felt like I was enjoying it, the glimmering lights, the huge skyscraper where I could get lost and lost and be found by new people all the time. Now, all I want is go back home. I always made everywhere I go home. Every freaking where. I never felt homesick but now. I just want to be found, found by someone who I can call home. found by something, somewhere where I can lay my head not feel miserable.

Draft 18: It's Scary
First Written: Somwhere in the beginning of 2019
Dear K,
It's scary how life goes on and you grow old. It's scary how you figure out life and just move on every time. It's scary to commit to only one person and wander out a path you don't know.

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