2018 was all about: checkmarks

Since we are stepping into 2019. I look back at 2018 and all I could say is, "Dang I lived my dreams." I have a whole list of cities and places and things that I wanted to do and I completed most of it. I lived my resolutions and drank the chills of adventure.

Chapter 16: Thanksgiving 2k18

Dear Dairy,

A lot has happened over the course of the year. My hair has grown long and shiny. I am no more a tiny starving kid. I hit the gym every fucking morning, I have gained some booty now. My makeup skills aren't perfect but they aren't that bad. Blusher, highlighter and contour kit are kind a friends now. I don't think twice when I speak English. I have become really fluent.

over the course of these years, I have declared my major to Marketing. I felt like business is more my cup of tea and with that I can extend of family's business here in United States.

I spent my spring break in Marriott Marque, NY. The 27th floor and felt like my dreams came true, when I saw those glittery lights of Times Square. I won the award of Rookie of the Year 2018 from UW Student Media.

Spent my summer 2k18 at West Virginia and Pennsylvania, carrying out my own business with crazy book kids of Southwestern Advantage. During three months, I found two group of strangers who impacted my life so much that they turned into a family. First is The Winning Tradition, who helped me throughout the hardships of rejections and taught me how to be patience with myself. The second is Currey Family, my host family over the summer, who made finger licking amazing food and taught me to embrace my mess.

I became an RA of McIntyre Hall and guess what I joined a Fraternity. Yes, it's a Frat. Alpha Kappa Psi, a coed professional fraternity. Became a PR Officer at International Student Association.

And over all these fancy glittery lights, I made some friends, who turned into family. Every Wednesday, I have girls night with Annika and Abby. while others don't even wave hi. I had relatives whom I treated like my first blood back stabbed me while others they freaking invite all the time for dinner.

I lost some and I won some.

And, I am thankful for all each and every moment because without them I wouldn't have been here and yet there is still a long journey to travel.

Thankful for my life.

My Day Ends With A Smile

You wake up daily in your half sleep, get ready for your work or school. You walk down the same street everyday, you think about your problems or some issues that are eating up your brain. You sit on your table and carry on your work like a robot, neither caring nor feeling about anything that come towards you, But I am a little different.

I wake up daily as well. But  I wake up with a fresh start forgetting everything that happened a year, a month, a week or few days ago. Its like filling a fresh page for a new thrilling, electrifying, hair-raising and stem-winding chapter of my life.

I get ready for work and walk down the same street everyday. But, I keep imagining things. I don't know how much I imagine in a day but if I count I'll leave behind everyone. My imagination even works as a Snapchat filters (esp. face swap, it makes me laugh like I am in Kapil Sharma's Show). Sometimes I work as a graffiti creator and change the whole decent looking street to a thug street.

I catch the Safa Tempo and keep on looking at each and every passengers' face and work as a Detective like Sherlock Holmes. I am a freelancer for everything after all.

And when my destination arrives I don't forget to say Thank You to the driver. Apply it to yourself as well like seriously, you miss them a lot when you have no vehicle at the 11th hour. I can't imagine my life without them.

I head towards the main door and don't forget to put a wide smile and say "Hii!!" to that lonely Guard sitting at his chair. In response I also get a huge smile and "Hi!!". I sit on my chair open up my laptop and along with that I don't forget to tell my whole tragedy of the past day in the humorous way to my Seniors as they are the exciting characters of my chapter.

After the day ends and I head to home sitting on that Nepal Yatayat and again imagining things, sometimes clicking some photographs and sometimes smiling to those lyrics of  typical folk songs (dohori geet with that nosy voice "AAAaaa...").

At the end of the day, I smile at today's chapter and thank god that I am still alive with no harm, not even a scratch to my body. I thank god that I am able to put a smile on people's face.

Recycle Organs, Not Just Coke Cans

How do you feel when the first ray of sun makes its way through the curtain and wakes you up?
How do you feel when the first thing you see is the alluring beauty of nature- mysterious, fascinating, powerful and attractive in its own way?
How do you feel when you see your mother's smile, your siblings naughty deeds, your friends mocking laugh and most importantly your wife's/husband's eyes which sings the song of love for you ?

  Do you know what? You never cared until I mentioned it.

You were blessed with eyesight from the really beginning of your life. But, some people unlike you lost their eyesight in some accidents or during harmful chemical usage. Most of them are farmers from the rural area. Those farmers were too busy to fill your stomach that they forgot about themselves and were the victim of blindness. And, still we don't even care.

The Youths of Rotract Club of Bhadgaon, couldn't tolerate this and moved forward for awareness. They organised an Eye Donation event at Bhrikuti Mandap, Kathmmandu on 3rd December.
During the awareness campaign there were many people who were having misconceptions about Eye donation program.
Misconception No.1 : We shouldn't donate eye. We may not go to heaven.
Misconception No.2 : I don't want to donate my eye then and there. I am still young and have my whole future left.

Let me clear this whole misconceptions.

1. Did God ever signed a paper or contract that states "If you donate your eyes. You are not allowed to come in Heaven". Its all superstition. Whether its Kuran or Bible, Tripitaka or Vedas, they all teach us to be selfless and help people till our last breath.

When you sign in for a donation. You will get an id card. When you are on your deathbed, one of your family member who knows about your eye donation card would help the doctors to reach to you. They will perform a surgical operation on the spot which lets your eyes live.

This awareness was a huge success for the Rotract Youths. Approximately, 300 people joined this event. Tho the number is small but atleast in coming future, they will give new life to 300 blinds. You can still be a future eye donor. All you need to do is sign up for eye donation card at Tilganga Eye Hospital, Gaushala.

You are born with an ability to change someone's life. DON'T WASTE IT.


Rewind, Replay and Pause

If I could just REWIND
to that exact moment when we just met.
I would

If I could just REPLAY 
those funny moments when we became friends
I would.

If I could just PAUSE 
and focus my entire world towards you

I definitely would.


I didn't know much about nightmares
How dangerous is it?
What exactly do we see?

Until a whole bunch of people 
Marched in my life
one by one
day by day
Throwing some nasty words
Which my ear loved to ignored
And throwing me that nasty gaze 
Which I ever really expected 

My loneliness was a danger for me
Whereas it was an advantage and joyous moment for them
Their hand would roam around my body
Their wrist would hold me tight 
So that I wouldn't move
Their fingers would haunt my chin every now and then 

It might be soothing for them
But for me, it was the whole combination of irritation Heavy cry and loud sobs 
People would day dream about their loves and bla blah blah
But I would just have a nightmare every single second
My mouth didn't utter a word

I still remember that day like a clip in my journal
How he rubbed my back in listeriosis manner 
And unclasped my bra without an effort
It was proud moment for him
but for Me 
It has always been a nightmare. 

2 years gone by 
The scars and stitches of my body might have healed
But my eyes still refuse to close and my nails still find its way to the flesh of my fingertips scratching it and piercing it until the blood drains out
To mark a reminder of the event

Within two yrs 
I have not been me 
But I have introduced myself as she
She who once loved to flaunt her curves now hides it under the layers of clothes and oversized sweatshirts
She who once loved to show her white toned smooth legs now hides it under the plus size jeans 
She who once loved to try new haircuts and loved to style
Now loves to lay it as it is 
Just a parting and tying it simply 
She who loved to go outdoors 
Now thinks thousands of times and takes a step

We were on a SeaSaw

Do you remember the last time
 we were on a see-saw? 
I guess no neither, do I.
Because we never really played a see-saw together.
But now we do.

We are standing on these long plank
fulcrum in between 
Trying to meet each other

But as soon as one of us take the step forward 
We both wobbled
it scared the shit out of us
We were risking our 
friendship, late night talks, daily sarcastic moments
and most especially us

You finally took a step back 
The plank was now still
no faster heart beats
no more fears
no more end to our late night talks

Maybe running would help I thought
but then I ended up
Twisting my muscles 
And you on the other side nearly fell

We are still on the sea saw
Thinking how we can meet
But maybe if we take a step together 
We will stumble a little
Frighten a little
And those little will finally
make us meet just above the fulcrum

Maybe if we reach on the fulcrum
We will be able to touch each other
Hug each other 
And whisper some mantra to each other

And if we end up 
interlocking ourselves in each other arms
We may fall
But we will fall together 
Syncing our fastest heartbeat together 
We may fall 
Deep down on land
But we will fall together

Fall together from a see-saw

better half

You are my better half.
These words still roams around

in my memories like a Ferris wheel,
once used to roam around my heart.

sometimes, making it race

You are my better half.
His words still roams around
in my memories like a Ferris wheel,
once used to roam around my heart.

His touch still haunts me
like a knife ripping my veins,
once unraveled the secrets of my skin.

Two long years
Focusing on only two words
Gripping it so tight
That it started haunting me again
Waking me up in the middle of the night
Screaming shouting and begging
For all the nightmares to go away

Every night I would just wish to
undo those mistakes
 But, no it never happens

Now, I look back at those days.
I would say Thank you for crushing my brain with all those nightmare.
Thank you for gripping on my head making me a patient of panic attack.
 because of you I learnt never to hurt others I learnt
After three long years
I don’t want to rewind
And undo my mistakes
Because you were a book
 but now you are just a
harsh chapter of my reality

Having a PIZZA With You

Having a Pizza with you 
is like filling my stomach with
thousands of butterflies stuck in mozzarella.

It's like making my stomach
A damn huge base of circus
Where not only butterflies twitter
But the whole god damn zoo

Having a Pizza with you
is like losing control over my brain.
I can't even focus on anything 
except you.

I just wonder what to say
Because my mouth keeps on
Babbling kinds of stuff which I don't even know
Because having a pizza with you
Is being out of normal 

I won't even react if a waiter
 would just pour a hot coffee on me.
I won't even utter a word if a girl
would just stamp on my feet.
My eyes work like a camera lens
focusing only on you.
My veins, nerves, and arteries 
are usually filled with Margherita's
juicy tomato toppings, sliced mozzarella, basil
and that extra Virgin olive oil.

Rush poured in a cup of coffee: Customer Service Experience

It has been a week, I am taking Barista Training at The Barista's Coffee School, Dillibazar. And, today was the customer service training. Let's say more like a practical test where you act professionally like a service provider and along with it, you let all your nervousness pour in each cup of coffee you serve. That's what I felt today.

Since I am taking the private class in the morning, I was combined with the afternoon batch for the customer service experience. Altogether we were 7 and we were divided into 2 groups. I was in the first group which was named CABA (since we have four characteristics of espresso i.e. Crema, Aroma, Body, and Acidity. And, coincidentally we had four members. So, we named our group CABA thinking that each member represents each characteristic without which the espresso is incomplete).

I placed my self in greeting and order taking and the other three were behind the counters ready to brew. As the clock started ticking, I mixed all my excitement and nervousness together, my first mistake.
I showed up with a menu and greeted the customers, "Hello Sir, Welcome to BCS. How can I help you?" Trust me! You might be imagining that I greeted them with a smile and in a calm way but hell NO!! I greeted them in such a rush as if I am going to miss my train.

After taking an order I marched back to the counter and call the order loudly so that my team can hear it and so they could recall it. But we made a mistake again. I called out loud, and in a rush, they started brewing forgetting to recall. And I didn't even dare to remind them.

I served the first order that was hot chocolate. It went all good.

Second, order all good but the third order just turned upside down.

One of the customers ordered Flat white, in a rush, my team mates made the flat white, which had a very little amount of velvet foam and was served in a 100ml cup, making it less like flat white and more like Piccolo. I was so busy in useless rushing and babbling that I forgot to figure out whether it is perfectly flat white or not and I just shove it off.
The customer called me up and complained that it is not the cup of coffee that he ordered, apologizing and taking the cup back to the counter. Worrying and rushing, my team mates made the baby latte but again another mistake, we served Cafe Latte. BOOM!!! Kill me. Not only that.
I made sure that I would present it in a perfect way: spoon and napkin at the right side and sugar sachet at the left. I made sure about it and served it to the customer but unknowingly the set up was in his opposite direction. Since my right was his left. I forgot to rotate the plate.

MISTAKES: a. served the wrong drink.
                      b. plus in the opposite arrangement.

One ordered Iced Mocha, the drink was perfectly made but while serving, to be stupid enough I placed the Pilsner glass over the saucer plate, while I should have placed Pilsner glass at the top left of the salver tray and saucer plate & napkin separately. Because while serving I was shaking so badly that at one point of time I literally thought I would pour Mocha all over the lady.

The other customer called me up and ordered 'Milk Tea'. Now, again being stupid enough and mixing the knowledge of barista I literally thought if people would ask for milk tea we would serve Cafe Latte. I called up my team mates and said he wants Milk Tea, my team mates being correct and confident said," We don't serve milk tea." But mixing my knowledge like a scrambled egg I said, "No, we do. We serve Cafe Latte when any of our customers order Milk Tea." My team mates didn't even take a second to think and rushed to counter. Since we were bounded by a time limit,  our brains were more rushed up,  nervous and juggling every beverage.
The customer was one of our teachers and he called me up and asked," Do we really serve milk tea? Do we even have tea leaves?" Holding the Salver Tray tightly I said, " I guess so if I am not wrong we call Cafe Latte as Milk Tea." I could see the shock in his eyes and he instantly replied," I said Milk Tea, Nepali Chiya, which needs Tea Leaves and we don't have tea leaves." At that point of time, I could literally feel my heartbeat and my nervousness taking me over and over. Instantly, I apologized and asked if he wants to place another order. He ordered for Extra Hot Cafe Latte.
I rushed to the counter call out the order. The order was ready but the thing is one of my team mates mistakenly topped the Extra Hot Cafe Latte with chocolate syrup. As soon as I saw that she was topping it with chocolate syrup I rushed in her direction and said, "We don't top Cafe Latte with chocolate". At that particular moment, we literally felt like we have done something wrong. A huge bold red cross. "What should we do now?", she asked.  "The customer wants Extra Hot Cafe Latte and we will serve Extra Hot  Cafe Latte. Let's make another one", making this quick decision we four made our ways. They made the Extra Hot Cafe Latte with perfect art and I served it with the perfect arrangement this time.
Touching his cup he asked,"Are you sure this is extra hot?". Now again I made a mistake. I touched the upper part of the cup and said,"Yes". But, the thing is we need to touch the lower part of the cup to maintain the proper hygiene.

These were all negative points, which ruined us. We did have some positive points:
1. we made the quick decision
2. the taste of latte was good and even the latte art gave us some points
3. we had good communication. As at one point I was busy serving hot chocolate, one of the customers asked for water. So, I instantly called up one of my team members and asked him to handle it.
4. after serving the wrong cup of coffee, we made sure we apologized and asked if the customer wants to make another order or not.

So, yeah, in short, my first customer service was doomed to hell and at the same point, we realized our mistakes. We team members were literally freaking out after seeing our performance. Next time, we will make sure we wash our all kinds of emotions in the sink or make sure to throw it away in the dustbin rather than serving it in each cup of coffee mixed with espresso.

For more info regarding barista training and latte art, Contact The BCS.
Facebook: The Barista's Coffee School
Instagram: The Barista's Coffee School


Dear Somebody,

I hope you bump into this post of mine and know that you made a mistake by being my friend.
You made a mistake by helping me in every worst day and showed me hope that you will still exist in the coming dark days as well.
You made a mistake by touching my heart and kissing my soul with your deliciously sweet words.
You made a mistake by saying that we will someday be goals.
You made a mistake by existing in my life.



You are nowhere to be found.
You are lost in arranging your chaos world.
You are lost in your love life, which I was unknown of.
You are lost filling the same words in her soul, which was once filled in mine.

Dear Somebody, It was not only your mistake but mine as well.
I took it too seriously. Too seriously to be mistaken.
Too seriously to ever find me.
Too seriously to ever erase you from the soft corner of my mind.
because it is all messed up now and all I know is..... It is slipping away from the cage of my fingers.
And too seriously that now I regret.

Regret that I let you in.
Regret that I let you touch me.
Regret that I dreamt of you with me.

I regret that I just keep missing you. And regret that I met you in the first place.
Placed you in the first seat.
I regret placing my heart on your sleeves and folding it, away from my own reach.

If someday you realize, you made a mistake. I hope you will return a part of me filled with nothing but a word "Goodbye". 


Chapter 1: Goodbye was easy

So Yeah!! after a lot of family babblings and my mother's speech on

  • How should I take care of myself and the luggage in this whole 36 hours of the journey?
  • How should I not talk to strangers and mind my own business?
  • How often should I callback home?
  • What kinds of people will I bump into?
  • Whom to trust and whom not to?
  • And finally to never get emotionally attached to people, especially guys because she knows very well that I have commitment issues.
I am currently in Abu Dabhi I have 8 hours long transit. I don't know what am I gonna do in this whole 8 hours. If you are thinking how my flight to Abu Dabhi was?
Trust me! It was Yack!! Horrible!!
A family sitting just behind me had a really nagging baby who kept on crying and crying and crying the entire 5 hours flight.
Even though there was a cute little kid just beside me. He didn't make such irritating noise as much as the other child did.
During the flight, the service providers were so rude. They didn't talk that sweetly or in a calm way as other service providers do. They didn't even give me a blanket when I asked for it like thrice. So, instead of going for fourth, I took out 2 jackets from my hand carry. And, it went all the same when I asked them a glass of water.
In short, God really blessed my 5 hours sleep with a lovely kid and great service providers.
P.S. Note the sarcasm.

So, 8 hours transit what am I going to do to kill time?
I am writing as well as helping some Indian and Nepalese to find their way to the right gate. Some people even started the conversation about how I knew Hindi or where am I going and for what reason. So recalling the long lectures from mom I only gave them a superficial answer. I don't think those people will travel to the USA, come find me and hack my computers or steal my passport or worst situation Kill Me!! (Over-acting)

Well, Well, talking about my mom, the surprising thing is neither my mom cried like a Typical Nepali Aama while dropping their child at the airport nor did I. I am neither excited nor sad. I don't have any feelings right now. It feels like I am going back to India and I'll be back after some months or years.
Maybe a month ago as soon as I got my visa, I was so excited to start a new journey and nervous about new stuff but now all the excitement and nervousness has vanished.

Seems like I am gonna grab some sandwiches to silent my growling tummy.

See ya soon.

Chapter 2: Welcome to America

2 hours left to land at LAX. In short, I am already in The USA. So, WELCOME TO AMERICA!!!! (drum rolls).

I am sitting by the window.
Yes!!! because you get to peek outside but at the same time No!! Everytime I go for wash-room it feels like I am troubling the two ladies(Mom and Daughter) sitting beside me. And the two ladies are really friendly and kind. They are so bookaholic and I literally spent my most of the time talking about authors and books and Wattpad. The mom sitting beside me seems to be really cool. She is from India but now living in LA and the coolest part is she is a scientist with a Ph.D., even her husband is a scientist and her daughter is in college majoring in Biology.
Seems like the whole family is going to be a scientist.

While the transit in Abu Dabhi, I was so sleepy that I slept on the chair but a ring from my Uncle who is in Australia woke me up. After a short little conversation, a guy in front of me asked if I was a Nepalese. Oh Yeah !! I am and so was he. You may not know this feeling but talking in Nepali in the foreign country or meeting someone from your own country feels like a boon.
So, to kill the time we talked about college and stuff. He was heading to New Mexico for his Ph.D. in Economics. (Applause)

Like a curious child, I asked him if he ever changed his major. He laughed and said," I have changed my major thrice. First I came here for International Relation, then changed it to Economic, then to Philosophy, then figured out that I don't want philosophy to be my whole life so I changed my major to Mathematics and finally I choose Economics again over everything." That reply made my heart calm. Because I don't know which subject I would like to tolerate and at the same time enjoy and never regret it. He also adds," first two years is for you to find what are you interested in. We left Nepal so that we can have more opportunities and more options so why should we stuck in one and regret our entire life. If you don't feel like it is your cup of tea just keep on switching it until you find the perfect one."

True Shit!!

I hope I find one soon.

Chapter 3: Day 5 | Teej Night | Eclipse

After I stepped in LA. I got this 5 hours transit and I made myself busy roaming around the duty-free. While scrolling down the phone and yawning over and over again.  A man in his 40s sat beside me and waved,"Hello". Well, I didn't mind to throw a smile back.
He then started the conversation and to kill my time I joined him. I asked him where was he from and he replied India.

Chapter 4: Only fish in the bowl


I moved in yesterday evening. Thanks to Upama and Shiaz, who helped me out with all these move-in stuff and gave me company. So, basically, I am on the 7th floor of this residence hall and all alone by myself.
Brave Girl!!

Chapter 5: Fun & Fun


Early morning not even 8 o'clock and I am ditched by several people. Well, early morning and I all set to go for orientation which is after four hours so Yes I got early like super duper early. As usual, I am the only one at the fish bowl waiting for other fish. I knocked at one of my floor mate's door to socialize. With my geeky smile, I showed up and said," Hi! Are you going to International Orientation today? It's at noon. Ummm.... Are you from America itself?"
She kept on staring at me and replied,"No! I need to get to the band". Looking at her clock she added,"Right after 2 minutes. I am so sorry for this".

Chapter 6: Overwhelmed | Square Dancing


Overwhelmed because choosing subjects and registering for classes were a tough job for me. Even though you got into the university, you need to register for classes and when I met my advisor and registered for classes. The classes were all freaking full even the waiting lists were long like the Nile. There were still some classes left but the thing is my MMR and TB report was not updated into my account so yeah I was unable to register for classes. Too many bad lucks. I literally felt like I am going back to Nepal. All this afternoon I kept on over thinking and kept on depressing myself. And for that stress, my academic advisor did everything she could to help me out but no luck.

Chapter 7: Movin' In Day


Finally, people are coming in and shifting their truckloads of stuff to their room. It's cool. Most people have brought freezer, microwaves, vacuum cleaner, some computer geeks have even brought their whole printer, scanner, and the whole desktop. Damn!! Movin' In Day.

Chapter 9 : Free Pizzas | Laughing out Loud


Well, the second day of college was pretty good. Psychology and Creative Writing two of my favorite subjects, what else do I want. Dr. De Young my psychology professor was funny, cracking jokes in the middle of the class. And, talking about creative writing I must say the teacher isn't that good. She seems to be a short temper person.

Chapter 8 : First Day not so good


Early morning my cell phone buzzed and showed me a snap from Shreeya my weirdest cousin giving me a 'best of luck' thing for the first day.

Chapter 10: Mirror Lake | Big Snowy Mountains


What can be more exciting than going to hiking with three of your truly American Friends?
At sharp 8:00 am I dressed up, packed my stuff and headed to lobby with Annika. That's where we were meeting Clayton and Kaylee. We bumped into Kaylee's car and made our way to Walmart first to grab some foods so that we could avoid our grumpy hungry version. I am so addicted to Walmart's 'Back to school' stationery items because they have cool Pinterest and Tumblr notebooks/journals, color pens, charms, bookmarks and lots of lots of postcards. Though I was there to grab some foods I can't put my hands off from notebooks and sheets so I immediately grabbed one. I don't know what am I going to write on it. There are 7 notebooks, which are shouting at me to write on them but I don't know what to write. So, after this, we grabbed some cookies, mini coconut donuts, raisins covered in yogurt and banana chips.

Chapter 11: Shakespare is not my cup of coffee


As soon as I feel like everything is in places. Something goes wrong anyway. After filling my tummy with some stuff, I started talking with Annika about our classes and here and there stuffs. She was eating her lunch while I was all done. I was decorating my planner with colorful pens and sticky notes because it makes me feel good and do things in a more proper way. When I turned the pages of my planner and saw Creative Writing Section page which I have marked with a Purple pen I just couldn't believe my eyes then. The Class timing was 1:20 and I turned around to see the clock hanging at my left side, its hands were at 1:30.

Regrets & Boundaries

Last Night was fun.
I remember how I drank all 15 shots of vodka and you giving me company, completing the other 15. With all the liquor filled in our soul, we moved our feet to the dance floor.
Who knew you would have the coolest moves and I would just sway my hips in that flared skirt?
Who knew out of nowhere you will pull me closer?
Maybe the liquor is doing its job.
Oh Yeah!! It is.

It's Time

Dear Whisper,
It's time to change
because we don't whisper anymore.
We shout and yell.
We laugh and tell. 

Dear Fair and Lovely,
It's time to change
because we don't want to be fair and lovely anymore.
From white to brown to black and everything in between.
We want to flaunt our shades.
We want to be bold and brave.

Dear Gender Categories,
It's time to change your only male and female checkboxes
to a long list
because now we come in mixtures and blends.
We feel good about ourselves.
We feel great in ourselves.

just a...

He comes in and here follows others, struggling from Nightmare of dramas and horror, mourning for their dead ones and talking to them. Walking in everyone takes a seat, he talks some shit and then each says goodbye taking some medicines prescription and lots of hope.

How do I tell this people that he is just an any other asshole. Eating their money, playing with their emotions and treating them like a garbage.

I am  in the middle of the room, watching everything but I am bounded not to tell anything because I am unable to speak or tell, shout or cry, I am just here watching people and hearing their disasters. I am still silent and calm like a non-living but the only difference is I feel. I feel their emotions I feel their heartbreak I feel their traumas and I feel their ghost-friends who are by their side. I feel it but I am just a chair.


We were walking
You fell down on the dirt grass
whereas I
I just kept walking and moving
I never turned back

We were running on the concrete street 
clean and tidy
I stumbled 
whereas you
You turned around, helped me up

just walked

RIP was written on her tombstone

RIP was written on everyone's tombstone. Everyone. Every tombstone was filled with a love of grief, tears of grief, heartache of grief and language of grief.
RIP wasn't on her tombstone.

Her tombstone didn't mention me in her life. It only stated 'A loving daughter, sister, friend and a wife' but it didn't say anything about our relationship. Nothing about the first time we met, which was a disaster when she poured all her anger to a total stranger and I was her stranger. Nothing about her apologizes to me and offering me a free coffee for a lifetime in her cafe. Nothing about the talks we shared. Nothing about the nights I asked her out for. Nothing about the kisses. Nothing about our hearts mingling.

After 15 years of spending our time together. I don't know why Karma played a bitch game with me. She was diagnosed with some dreadful disease. I remember slowly and slowly the disease was eating her and killing me. I remember, she forgot the way back to our home and even my favorite dishes. Slowly and slowly her memories were erased as if somebody was erasing their mistakes after writing it down. I remember it shattered my heart in millions of pieces when she walked past me and hugged her ex-boyfriend and asked him who I was. 15 years of togetherness dissolved and I just kept on staring at it. Numb and frozen.
The ways she hugged him made my arms cry and bleed the tears full of blood.

The tombstone was filled with everything except me.

Except for a chapter that we shared for 15 years.

the other day

The other day the strangest thing happened
leaves started to fall and my heart started to rip
just like the begining of fall I knew my life was ending deep down

The other day the strangest thing happened
when he kissed me and said he liked me
but then ditched me the next day and said
he found someon better than me

The other day the starngest thing happened
when I was walking, running and bolting
but then I fell for the reality of life
and crashed myself into someone
who was meant to be somebody else

The other day the starngest thing hapened
when I smiled and he smileed tp
when I laughed he laughed too
but when I started to bleed and cry he didn't bleed neither did he cry
he just sat beside me make me bleed even more
and cry even louder
his silene did hurt

The other day the strangest thing happened
I thought I saw a spirit
but then
the really next moment somebody shouted and begged for their life
I was unaware for the fact that they were begging me to go away

The other day the strangest thing happened
I climbed up the tree tried to reach for the sky
but instead
fell on the ground and dissolved in the water
both at the same time

The other day the strangest thing happened
I flipped on the favourite page of the favourite book
and the really next moment the pages started to rip
and fall apart

 The other day the strangest thing happened
the man i disliked the most
held my hands and creased my wounds

The other day the starngest thing happened

Chapter 12: Too busy to even breathe

People back in Nepal complains that I don't call them often. I would just make an excuse that I am stuck up with my assignments, projects, and exams. The reality is I don't miss them. Because I don't even have a single minute to miss them.

10:22 AM


I was 9. I am 20 now and I still carry those scars

I was 17 he was 24
I shouted, yelled, dug my nails deep into his skin and begged to stop 
but he didn't
he kept going,
and going
he kept going 
until he ripping my soul, tattoed scars and marks all over my body.
He was my brother's friend.
And the worst part is my brother believed him over me.

Something that's a part of who you are

I miss those days
when I all used to do is roam around that alley,
the paths which were full of mud and water when it rained
the roads which were as careless as a child's homework

Now I am here in the new world
where there are no cracked streets but huge monster trucks and traffic lights which actually works
the footpaths are nicely arranged that
it bugs me every time I walk
it bugs me to walk in these uniformly arranged blocks in which nobody falls or slip
the roads are smooth and shiny
McQueen will probably love it.
but it makes me feel nostalgic about how much I miss it.

How much I miss my smile which used to shine brighter in that dark alley

the itch i refuse to scratch

It cut me deep down, deep down that made my mom wide awake from her sweet dreams and that made her march into my room.
She said I was just lying on the floor full of blood. She said I made her heart beat drum just like in a rock concert. She tried to stop the bleeding from my hand but couldn't. And at the right time came my dad. Then came an ambulance and then the doctors, nurses, medicines and everything which helped me to open my eyes again.
I was lying in the bed staring at the white ceiling. When I felt the warmth of my mom's hand with worried eyes which said before you scratch your past again and again just know that we are here and you are the only one we have.
I felt that guilt in my heart. That guilt which made me lose my breath again but I didn't die. That guilt which made me angry again. That guilt which made me think about what was in front of me rather than what I had.

lost at the center of infinity

I am lost
I am lost in the middle of nowhere
I am lost in between my own choices
and most importantly I am losing myself

But right after I lost myself in the center of the crowd
I found him
I found him in middle of somewhere
I found him somewhere in between the earth and sky
I found him
He was there right in front of me when I was losing myself to dreadful past and horrendous future
He was there holding my hand and insisting me to stay in present
He was there when no one believe me
He said he was lost somewhere in the circumference of the crowded circle and then he lost himself at the center of infinity. Just right here.

I asked him how did he find himself
He said a 6 year old with brown eyes came up to me and held my hand just like this and she said This too will pass just stick with me alright.

Chapter 13: Major and Minor Issues


Dear Diary,

My exams are all done. Mid-semester exam, not the finals people!! That asshole is still left.
But anyway, exams are over I have nothing to do except to write some of my stuff and plan for my Thanksgiving break with Kaylee.
I am excited!!!!!

Sometime it's the best option

Sometimes it's the best option to let the past haunt you and wrap you around in its wings.
Sometimes it's the best option to stop talking, stare at the ceiling and let the smoke from your cigarette fly and form a halo above your head.


A fashion of white beanies and the snow and dirt sticking around like jewelries in the Christmas tree
A fashion of high boots and printed warmers hiding scars and tattoos
A fashion of velvet gloves and fake nails holding the fake feelings
A fashion of square rimmed glasses and infinite imaginations

Chapter 14: Love is a big word

Date: One of the lazy night in November

"Love is a big word," she said.
She has known me for 6 months now and I see myself in her. I see my insecurities, I see my thoughts rumbling around and I see myself in her.

Chapter 15: End of Semester

Date: Last day of semester 11/11/2017

Well, my first semester at UW was full of ups and downs. Even though I have updated only superficial information and outlines in this diary because of my hectic schedule I have learned truckloads of shit. I met some strangers and made them friends. I went through a lot of troubles and problems, where I felt like giving up but then some showed up and dragged my ass to work again.

23k Steps

letter to K

Dear K,

I don't know how should I feel. I don't know how is it to be loved again and to love again. I don't even know how to like again. As I told you on the last call that I am going on a date. Yes, I did. And, I don't know how to feel about it.

Shall I tell you how funny was he or shall I tell you that he never hesitated to speak his heart out?
We went to this bowling game and it didn't feel like an awkward getting to know each other kind of date. It was like two friends chilling and making fun of each other. I used to think 1000 times before I would tell speak to a guy but with him, I didn't need to think. When I entered the car and said,"I probably smell like chicken." and he replied, "Yeah!  You definitely smell like chicken but not grilled chicken." I could just tell him whatever I want and not regret it. When I bowled my turn and turned around he didn't hesitate to accept that he was checking my butt. I don't regret that I went on a date with him. I don't regret that it has been all day and he hasn't text me. I have no regret attached about yesterday. It was funny how he guessed my shoe size and all I did was gave him a goofy smile. You can't imagine I bowled pretty well. I thought I would be the one whose scores will be zero but then I scored 5 to 6 points less than him. And, on the second match, I literally won because I cheated. Whenever he would be ready to bowl, I would just drag my foot to the red line so that his score would count as foul and then he would make his funny face and carry me back to the bench and make me sit like a 3-year-old baby. People who were beside us they would just laugh about how childish we acted while we were typing each other names on the screen. I would fight with him and name him 'a loser' and he would erase my whole name and type 'super loser.'

But, it kind of scared me when he walked ahead of me not even turning back. It scared the shit out of me when he kissed me. And, I knew I wasn't a great kisser. But an awkward one. It didn't scare me when said he was checking my butt but it scared me when he said that I have a sexy body. It didn't scare me when he touched my nakedness but it scared me when he hugged my naked body and said,"I wanna know more about you." It scared me when he hugged me tight and said he wanted to know me even more. He wanted to know my existence, my place, my culture and most especially me.

Love S.


Ode to the blue heart,
which one never knew how to be red

Ode to the heart,
which knew how to rant thousand of different complaints
and never knew how to solve it

Ode to the heart,
which never knew which direction to go
and was sitting in lost curb

Ode to the heart,
which always showed up and never knew what time was

Ode to the heart,
which dreamt thousands of colors
but lazy to paint one

Ode to the heart,
which no longer exist in my body.

Because ode to the sad song which i'll never sing again.


Allow me to walk 
on those muddy roads where no one wants to step in
because I care about my heart not other's brain
Let me make my own road
with my own inner ideas
rather than following others who have
Herd Mentality

Give me the green lights 
that something really exits for me
because Almighty I am just going round in circles
 Empower me to quieten 
one's vapid mouth and
fill courage in me to follow my own words

Let me get Vanished
to world where there are no people 
Just Me & Myself
Let me be Missing 
for a day in which the morning never starts
and night never ends
Let me Extinct
from the world but give accent to Continue in Existence

From bournvita to beer

It all started at the time
when we used to drink Bourn Vita
 mixed in that stinky milk.

I don't remember 
whether it was summer or winter
whether you wore a shirt or a skirt
whether it was your birthday or mine
but I do remember it was the time
when our moms used to pin a handkerchief in our shirt's pocket
when we had our very first day to school with watery eyes
and a water bottle hung around our neck
when we didn't know what friendship is or what love is.

We four met at the time
when we had 
the most immature and the  most innocent brains
when all we knew was 
 princess' dresses, tom and jerry cartoons 
and that one extra chocolate 
reserved for you three on my birthdays.

with the growing days 
the bag became easier to carry 
and we fantastic four
entered our teenage 
with our half mature mind
with not so innocent brains
this time.

Singing out loud Ed Sheeran songs
sharing our crushes names to our nasty heartbreaks
dancing with the glass of beer
which was once filled by Bourn Vita

Graduated from high school 
now here we are:
- Spreading our wings heading to the four different direction
me in the east 
other in the west
and the other two in south and north.

- Paving paths for our 

We will be Struggling hard enough
 to fit in new places
sometimes will be breaking down,
breaking down in such a way that 
we won't have each other 
to hold our backs
to wipe our heartbreaks.

But trust me 
even though we rarely get a chance to talk 
even though in every phone call 
you will shut down your tears 
 say you are okay
and for every time you will cry in the future,
I will always wish 
that I have the right words to say
 if I don't
 just know that I care.

know that 
you people will still be my three chambers of hearts
know that 
even though your nasty girlfriends and boyfriend don't love you
I will always love you 
with too many commas and no asterisks 
I will always love you 
despite having seen you 
in your so not good haircut
despite having seen you 
with your milk teeth falling out 
making a tunnel in your mouth
despite having seen you 
poking your nose.
Not everyone could do that.

after all this

Promise me
we will be back again together
and spend our life 
like goofing idiots.

Maybe we would be dating someone
Promise me
 we won't replace each other.

Maybe we would find the right person and marry them
Promise me
 you three will be present there as my bridesmaids.

Maybe one day we won't have the same energy and strong back
Promise me 
we will dance even in those walking sticks and wheelchairs.

Maybe we won't have some of our teeth
Promise me 
we will still smile showing off the train tunnel in our mouth.

Maybe we won't be touching beer at that time
Promise me 
we will go back to our Bourn vita days again.

the ultimate color

You wore blue deeper than the sea when we met for the first time.
I was in my black talking to one of the clients whereas you,
on the other hand,
were sitting across me holding a cup of latte
a boring white cover book by Gayle Forman.

So pardon if I

The air got me feeling like a tiny leaf,
making me move here and there,
making me shiver from its each blow.
So pardon if I just lose myself.
Because I can't take it anymore,
because I can't bear it anymore
others are hanging still and straight
but I am no others.

The truth that lies

My first day of college 
I still remember it clearly
as if it were just yesterday.
 I still remember how dynamically I woke up
as if sparks were emitting from my body
like a firecracker.

To my valentine

Dear Valentine,
Thanks for marching into my world and breaking all the walls built around my heart and soul.
Thanks for bringing Spring where only Autumn and Winter existed
Thanks for planting Middlemist Red, Kadapul flower as well as Jade Vine, which made my life a little colorful and a little bright that it never forgot to glow at night.
Thanks for sticking by my side no matter the situation.

Novels and poems were my enemies

If you don't 

like to read.

You haven't found 



When I was in 9th Grade, I used to hate poems and novels. 
It all started with "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. The poem made everyone attentive and conscious whereas me it just worked opposite. It forestalled my brain, drowned my eyes, tranquilized my nerves and made my head fall on the desk.

The guy in checkered shirt

Day 1

With giggles, laughs, and talks I entered the reception of an Institute. My eyes scanned the reception and it just stopped at you. Yes, YOU!! who was sitting at the extreme corner of the hall, in a checkered shirt with a roughly arranged pompadour hair and a blue colored backpack resting on your lap.
I don't know what came up to my brain, it just supported my heart and made my legs to march towards you.

"Oh my God! What am I doing?" I thought but it was too late. My heart and brain worked together and made me sit across you. "OK! Thanks to my brain and heart this time, who didn't make me sit beside you. It would have been a really awkward situation." You were bored by sitting in the same place for half an hour where as me on the other side of earth was too busy juggling all the emotions. My brain was playing all sorts of songs and my heart, on the other hand, was too busy doing some cool dance moves. And, above all this, I was trying to be normal on the outside.
Then the receptionist calls out your name and there you go making your way to the Dean's Office. My juggling jeopardizes, my brain stops singing songs and my heart pauses like a mannequin. I am hit hard by reality. "Girl wake up from your dream."

Day 2

I marched inside the class half dreaming and dressed like a nerd with a high ponytail, round geeky glasses, a pair of sandals, blue faded jeans, an oversize sweatshirt and a really boring shoulder bag. The class was all full of noise and laughs. I scanned for a vacant seat and here I go at the very first bench where no one can watch me neither can I. Dreaming and wandering, my brain made its way to the romantic novels. The lecturer marches in shattering all the fictional stories with the bundle of notes and assignments, it is going to be a long day I assumed.
You can't imagine 57 minutes 56 seconds was so torturing. As it got over, my eyes were no more sleepy. WOW!! 
The lecturer, as well as some of the students, moved out. I turned around to see how many others stayed for the second lecturer and then my eyes spotted you at the very end of the class with the same yellow checkered shirt. This is something I didn't expect. My heart immediately raced like McQueen on the race track and my brain paused. You looked at me. Our eyes met like bullets piercing each other souls. It took my brain a whole minute to realize that I was staring. Embarrassed from my action, I turned around and took a deep long breath.
This isn't a Wattpad Romance Books. Stop assuming as if you had the first sight blaaa blaaa blaaa stuff. 

Day 3 AND SO ON......

Days went by like water flowing down the river.
We would pass by each other like wind passing through the leaves. No smile, No Hi, No eye contact But just a shiver which only my heartfelt. Our eyes would meet but our lips would never utter a word.
I sometimes prayed to god to stop these butterfly kind of feelings from my belly, these stupid love songs which my brain automatically played and these idiotic dance moves which my heart by default starts when it senses you.
And finally, he listened to my prayers and granted my wishes by making you absent on days, which I later on regretted. You showed up twice or thrice in a week and rest of the time you just vanished with no trace. And then when your study course got over, you left no trace but just an email which I, unfortunately, got from the record list when I was searching for mine.

I know we are strangers. You don't even know my name. You don't even know how I look like.
It took me two months to gather all the courage to just tell you Hi through this blog. It might sound insane to some people and Yes!! it is insane But, I really can't get you out of my mind. Maybe someday I can. BUT It's NOT TODAY.

P.S. If you are reading this now. The crush fever is already out of my head but I don't mind saying you Hi.

Shame on you

Early morning when the chilly wind was passing through my naked hands and face, making every cell of my body shiver. Sniffing, stumbling, and arranging my muffler I caught the bus(Nepal Yatayat) at 9:00 am. The bus was full of chattering youngsters in college uniforms and some people in their mid-twenties. I sat at the first and only vacant seat available. I was busy bugging into my cell phone for early news, on the other hand, teens were busy gossiping about their college stuff.

 When the bus was about to start, a lady entered carrying an infant. Without having a thought, I immediately left my seat for her. The lovely smile of the lady really satisfied my morning. I thought.

Then at the next stop, entered a man in his 60's with wrinkly old skin. A lousy woolen cap on his head and a hefty bag on his hand, he searched for a vacant seat. Poor man, every seat was occupied. He even scanned for the Senior Citizen's seat where the two gentlemen in their mid 20 were so lazy to stand up that they ignored him. Each and every youngster on the bus ignored him.

For me, this was too intolerable. I waited for a minute thinking maybe anyone could leave their seat for him. But No! Nobody stood up. Nobody spoke anything. Neither those college students nor those gentlemen and ladies. The maximum height of my exasperation spoke out loud, making me the center of attraction and tying the tongues of every fellow passengers'.

Let's start all over again

It's been years, long dreadful years and my guilt is tearing me apart and ripping my soul every night. People say,"Karma is a bitch" and I do agree with that because years ago I left her and never turned back. Years ago when I slit her heart out in a blink of an eye. Years ago when nothing worked between us and instead of mending and fixing it, I chose to abandon it. Years ago when tears rolled down her cheeks every night and her pillow knew, I chose to agree with my own imaginary fact that 'She was overreacting'. Years ago when her swollen eyes would search the old me and all she got was new me who was too busy, busy with the useless shits. And yes Karma is a Bitch because I feel it now.

She was my marijuana

Cold breeze and frosty snow. On that stodgy early morning, I parked my bike and marched to the class. Being an extreme introvert, I made my way to the last seat at the corner. And, then you showed up.

Searching for a vacant seat, you made your way beside me. Starting with Hi!!, few talks and smiles, days later, we ended up texting each other at times. Whenever your message popped out, it stole my breath. Never thought those feelings would one day exist in me.

checkered love

While browsing on Instagram I bumped into this fashion store @maisonshefali from Jaipur. I  went through their each post and found their design really incredible. With each design, there were inspiring quotes and one of the checkered midi dress 'Check the flower' really caught my eyes. Without any delay, I messaged the store if they can ship to Nepal and they replied,"Yes!! Of course". I gave them my body measurements and the dress arrived at my place within 2 weeks.

Half and half

When the rain and the sun are too busy sharing
their pain with little tiny droplets
and a hint of sunshine 
forgets to care about you and your umbrella
I will always be there with mine
sharing it with you.
Just like
Half and Half.

to you...

Dear You,
Yes!! You. So, I think I gave you something and you got it. Then this post is surely for you.
I must have given you a diary, which states,"The Adventure Begins" from Bhav store. And, I am glad I gave you that sparing my 100 bucks from my thousand buck salary.

Why I gave you a notebook??

Because in my opinion notebooks keep your memories safe and sound, no matter how old you get. It is one of the things, which can be passed down from generation to generation and the major plus point is, it is authentic and real so nobody could hack it or crack it.
You may not realize the precious feeling of turning the pages. But you will surely get it when you will finish the notebook and ponder upon it.
Trust me and plus it will be the best feeling.

Why "The Adventure Begins"?

Apart from all the coolest notebooks, all over the world, I chose this because I think our life has just started because at the age of 18 we realized we have grown up so fast that we have put a full stop to our school life. And along with it, we also came to realize that now we can choose everything and anything.
At 20, we are realizing that we will get heartaches, heartbreaks, rejections, complications and sometimes we even have to choose between the worst choice and the less worst choice. And the dilemma between the two goes on and on. And when all the hurtful years will pass, we will be able to choose and find happiness between bad and little less bad or little worse. Maybe we will learn to solve our life puzzles with more grace and less sorrow.

Now don't go too sentimental. The adventure really begins because who knows you might get a new idea anywhere at any time, who knows when you end up writing you might make your day count as a worthy one.

So yeah!! Just write it down. Every day even tough it's Saturday or your exams are marching ahead of you. It's not necessary to fill the whole page with words. Just scribble some letters, paste some photographs, some numbers, some names and most of all the blissful memories.

I wish that you don't find your way or path instead you make your own. I hope you make your own, which I know will take some turns, which will be a little curvy, twisted, turned, sometimes circle, sometimes rectangle, sometimes a cross ( like a danger one) or sometimes a cross of wolverine ( like a brave one).

And at the end of the day if you still feel mad and sad that your life is messed up and full of confusion. Be happy because it is interesting than others who have a life like a straight line representing none other than a corpse.

Be proud you have ups and downs because you are ALIVE


i don't feel like writing

I am confused, strangled and suffocating in the maze of words.
I don't know what to write! Shall I just copy and paste some incredible breath-taking words and post it, feeling unreal and not really me.
Or just wander through each neuron and search for something to write.

Once an Angelian, Always an Angelian

"Seriously, you people are crying, Just because you are leaving this place. Oh God!!...", that's what I said when my whole bunch of friends sobbed, but as for me, I was delighted to leave this place and was ready to experience everything as an adult.

Embrace me

Embrace me
in such a way  that
I could feel every thin thread of your
woolen shirt

Just let me

Let me get Vanished
to the world where there are no people 
Just Me & Myself
Let me be Missing 
for a day in which the morning never starts
and night never ends
Let me Extinct
from the world but give accent to Continue in Existence.

Just Let me

Because Almighty 

I can't take any more words into my ears
I want to be deaf and dumb for a day

Just Let me
Find my own inner peace
Hear my own heart beat
 Sing my own lyrics 
Let me see the sunrise, the sunset 
and those starry countless nights
where I would just dream and dream and dream
and dream 
of my own endless world

Mail this to heaven

Dear Ba,

 My childhood is still alive in my head. It is like the perfect movie I have been watching over and over again on the big screen. It even leaves behind the Oscar-winning movies because God was the almighty Producer. There was no scriptwriter neither songwriters nor stuntman, there was only a single person and that was ME.


which made my spine fall into shivers
which made me believe that life was like a ROLLER COASTER full of ADVENTURES 
which are now nothing but an empty message bottle
left by you.

Empty like
Deserts without the wind 
from which I used to build CASTLE in the air
Empty like
CHANEL without its fragrance
which I used to favor the most
Empty like
A poetry without any emotions

Those words were once filled with
blissful water covering the land
but who knew it will dry out  leaving only the ruthless sand
Those words were once
Flower which gives its romantic fragrance
to even the hands that crush it
Those words were once like
A poetry which made each shadow dance
and dream of his sweetness

I don't feel butterflies now...

I felt butterflies for him as you guys felt for somebody out there. His lingering touch, playful kisses, and a smile that seek its way up to my lips and would make it The Nile. These were the most amazing things in the whole world that existed to me. Most of all I could feel butterflies in my belly every millisecond as long as he was by my side. But who knew that God had already planned a different climax for my movie.

Dear Diary

The cold wind is blowing with little drops of water, outside and I am here sitting on my desk and wondering what should I do now. Shall I open my books and proceed to increase my knowledge or just keep thinking and dreaming and wondering about my future until I get tired and then finally sleep. Maybe it's this teenage thing, which hardly gives you sleep and tends to divert your mind to over thinking.

Every dropping water from that dark cotton balls above my head makes me worried that time doesn't wait for anyone. But, I say maybe they are referring to the coming moment which is on its way with my hard yet beautiful, shimmering and adventurous opportunities. Maybe.

My dearest buddies Dristi and along with her Shivali . They are the two sides of the coin which I always keep near to my heart. When my heart shivers like a stray dog on a winter weather and says "I am thumping like METAL, I can't calm down". The coin shakes me up and tells me to enjoy it with the rain, dance in it, feel it and play along with it because a day will come when you will look back at these moments and say that IT WAS TOUGH YET WE ENJOYED IT and you won't regret a bit. Life is like a MUSIC it sometimes plays R&B, sometimes COUNTRY and sometimes moves your feet on the floor playing the HIP HOP beats. 

Those two people who brought the positive ray to my thundering monsoon always said " Life is so similar as a surprise box on SUBWAY SURFER you never know what you get. All you need to do is enjoy and accept it because suweeeiii EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON .".

missing you D&S. 

picture source: Internet