Let's start all over again

It's been years, long dreadful years and my guilt is tearing me apart and ripping my soul every night. People say,"Karma is a bitch" and I do agree with that because years ago I left her and never turned back. Years ago when I slit her heart out in a blink of an eye. Years ago when nothing worked between us and instead of mending and fixing it, I chose to abandon it. Years ago when tears rolled down her cheeks every night and her pillow knew, I chose to agree with my own imaginary fact that 'She was overreacting'. Years ago when her swollen eyes would search the old me and all she got was new me who was too busy, busy with the useless shits. And yes Karma is a Bitch because I feel it now.



Now when she has probably forgotten my number. Now when she has moved on from me. Now when the cool me is tired of showing off. Now when the old me, who once hibernated is OUT. Now when she posts pictures with her boyfriend who makes her smile in every Instagram post. Now when all I have is her memories haunting me every time.

2011 that was the year.

Being visible to others, she was invisible to me because it took me six months to realize that she really existed in the class. I don't remember how I started the conversation. But, I do remember we ended up being good friends. Good friends will be an understatement. She became one of my best-est friend to whom I never hesitated to share anything. We just talked and talked and talked. My days never ended without her talks and her silly smile. Every morning I woke up to meet her and listen to her same old babbling which never knew how to end. We became close so close that I ended up having feelings for her.

I don't remember how I proposed her for the first time. But I do remember I got rejected every time. 20 or 25 or maybe more than that. Her rejection didn't hurt that bad because she always thought of me as a friend. After every rejection, we spoke like it never happened. And, I was glad about that. Glad that this love shit never interfered between us and glad that I got to hear her babbling every morning again.


It was 7 p.m of a certain day of a certain month in 2011 or 2012 at Thamel when we were with our bunch of friends. With some talk and some laugh, our hands found its way to each other and our fingers interlaced. I don't know what came up to my mind. I ended up kissing her lips. It didn't bother to think where I was or with whom I was. I only knew we existed. It became awkward when one of our friends cleared up their throat. And I woke up from my sweetest reality. I don't know how others reacted because I was too busy focusing on her.

My smile was Nile when I headed back home. I messaged and called her immediately but she didn't answer. After leaving tons of messages she finally replied me the next day saying "Forget everything that happened yesterday. It was just an accident." And that particular line was enough to shatter me. I opened up my heart for the millionth time and convinced her how my heart really felt. I took all my power to save that day. I remember how a trembling heart felt like. I remember how the words left my mouth in a cry. After proving myself for the last time I finally succeed.

Finally succeeded to call her mine.

Stealing kisses to having late night talks, we were too lost in our world and forgot about the possibilities of heartache which were marching towards us.

I wasn't insecure about her because I knew she only look up to me, she only saw me in the crowd of whole people, she only chose me among everyone who was desperate to get a glimpse of hers. Only me.
On the other side, I talked to each and every girl no matter if junior or senior. Months went by and her insecurities started touching my nerves. Who knew that I will be suffocating? Suffocating in the clouds of her insecurities. Suffocating in the world of my own foolishness. Neither I was a perfect boy then nor am I now but the 'Then' version of me was too foolish to lose her.

People usually said," You come to know the real value of something after it is gone." And now I get it. I lost her and all the struggle I did to impress her I lost the romantic bone in my body.  I don't know whether there was my fault more or hers more but all I know is 'It was our fault'.

I wish she had made me jealous sometimes. Sometimes I even wish she had left me in the middle of the road to know her worth again. Maybe then I would have realized it sooner.

 To avoid those arguments I ignored her. Ignored heartlessly that she drenched her pillows every night and showed up next day at school with fluffy bloodshot eyes. I thought that was just an excuse to grab attention but now when I have the fluffy eyes from our past memories people say the same.

"Karma is a Bitch".

We broke up without any whispers and without any talks. We broke up like a silent war. We changed so fast that nobody knew when we started and when we ended and I, I just moved on with a new girlfriend whereas she was stuck in the world, which forgot to shine. She tried her best to make the two words and six letters "Move On" her motto but failed badly every time.
And just like the beginning, she was invisible to me again, not only her but also her tears and screams and all her talks were invisible now.

School ended and my relationship with various of girls too. Everyone was busy in their own world and so was I. I was busy inhaling the wind of coolness and exhaling the clouds of dirt. Busy being unconscious with all the bottles of excitement at the club.

Years passed by.

I bumped into her Instagram profile. She looked happy. Happier than ever to be honest. Happier with the guy next to her. And I agree I deserve this ache in my heart. After seeing her happy faces, It was time for me to apologize for the past year mistakes. I apologized and you accepted my apology in just a min. But, deep down I know you hate me now and ignore me as much as possible.

The guilt is still burning inside me. Begging for her laughs and all the talks to return again. I wish I could change the circumstances and start all over again but the thing is I can't, only she can.

If you ever read this and realize I am dedicating it to you. I just want to say.
Let's start all over again.
Let's just start with a 'Hi'. Let's not take it to far from 'Just Friends'.
Maybe someday time will fly.
And with all the time.
I hope we make it from 'Just Friends' to something more than that.

Let's start all over again.






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