Sometimes it's the best option

Sometimes it's the best option to let the past haunt you and wrap you around in its wings.
Sometimes it's the best option to stop talking, stare at the ceiling and let the smoke from your cigarette fly and form a halo above your head.

Chapter 13: Major and Minor Issues


Dear Diary,

My exams are all done. Mid-semester exam, not the finals people!! That asshole is still left.
But anyway, exams are over I have nothing to do except to write some of my stuff and plan for my Thanksgiving break with Kaylee.
I am excited!!!!!


I was 9. I am 20 now and I still carry those scars

I was 17 he was 24
I shouted, yelled, dug my nails deep into his skin and begged to stop 
but he didn't
he kept going,
and going
he kept going 
until he ripping my soul, tattoed scars and marks all over my body.
He was my brother's friend.
And the worst part is my brother believed him over me.

Chapter 12: Too busy to even breathe

People back in Nepal complains that I don't call them often. I would just make an excuse that I am stuck up with my assignments, projects, and exams. The reality is I don't miss them. Because I don't even have a single minute to miss them.

10:22 AM

Regrets & Boundaries

Last Night was fun.
I remember how I drank all 15 shots of vodka and you giving me company, completing the other 15. With all the liquor filled in our soul, we moved our feet to the dance floor.
Who knew you would have the coolest moves and I would just sway my hips in that flared skirt?
Who knew out of nowhere you will pull me closer?
Maybe the liquor is doing its job.
Oh Yeah!! It is.

Chapter 11: Shakespare is not my cup of coffee


As soon as I feel like everything is in places. Something goes wrong anyway. After filling my tummy with some stuff, I started talking with Annika about our classes and here and there stuffs. She was eating her lunch while I was all done. I was decorating my planner with colorful pens and sticky notes because it makes me feel good and do things in a more proper way. When I turned the pages of my planner and saw Creative Writing Section page which I have marked with a Purple pen I just couldn't believe my eyes then. The Class timing was 1:20 and I turned around to see the clock hanging at my left side, its hands were at 1:30.

Chapter 10: Mirror Lake | Big Snowy Mountains


What can be more exciting than going to hiking with three of your truly American Friends?
At sharp 8:00 am I dressed up, packed my stuff and headed to lobby with Annika. That's where we were meeting Clayton and Kaylee. We bumped into Kaylee's car and made our way to Walmart first to grab some foods so that we could avoid our grumpy hungry version. I am so addicted to Walmart's 'Back to school' stationery items because they have cool Pinterest and Tumblr notebooks/journals, color pens, charms, bookmarks and lots of lots of postcards. Though I was there to grab some foods I can't put my hands off from notebooks and sheets so I immediately grabbed one. I don't know what am I going to write on it. There are 7 notebooks, which are shouting at me to write on them but I don't know what to write. So, after this, we grabbed some cookies, mini coconut donuts, raisins covered in yogurt and banana chips.

Chapter 8 : First Day not so good


Early morning my cell phone buzzed and showed me a snap from Shreeya my weirdest cousin giving me a 'best of luck' thing for the first day.

Chapter 9 : Free Pizzas | Laughing out Loud


Well, the second day of college was pretty good. Psychology and Creative Writing two of my favorite subjects, what else do I want. Dr. De Young my psychology professor was funny, cracking jokes in the middle of the class. And, talking about creative writing I must say the teacher isn't that good. She seems to be a short temper person.

Chapter 7: Movin' In Day


Finally, people are coming in and shifting their truckloads of stuff to their room. It's cool. Most people have brought freezer, microwaves, vacuum cleaner, some computer geeks have even brought their whole printer, scanner, and the whole desktop. Damn!! Movin' In Day.

Chapter 6: Overwhelmed | Square Dancing


Overwhelmed because choosing subjects and registering for classes were a tough job for me. Even though you got into the university, you need to register for classes and when I met my advisor and registered for classes. The classes were all freaking full even the waiting lists were long like the Nile. There were still some classes left but the thing is my MMR and TB report was not updated into my account so yeah I was unable to register for classes. Too many bad lucks. I literally felt like I am going back to Nepal. All this afternoon I kept on over thinking and kept on depressing myself. And for that stress, my academic advisor did everything she could to help me out but no luck.

Chapter 5: Fun & Fun


Early morning not even 8 o'clock and I am ditched by several people. Well, early morning and I all set to go for orientation which is after four hours so Yes I got early like super duper early. As usual, I am the only one at the fish bowl waiting for other fish. I knocked at one of my floor mate's door to socialize. With my geeky smile, I showed up and said," Hi! Are you going to International Orientation today? It's at noon. Ummm.... Are you from America itself?"
She kept on staring at me and replied,"No! I need to get to the band". Looking at her clock she added,"Right after 2 minutes. I am so sorry for this".

Chapter 4: Only fish in the bowl


I moved in yesterday evening. Thanks to Upama and Shiaz, who helped me out with all these move-in stuff and gave me company. So, basically, I am on the 7th floor of this residence hall and all alone by myself.
Brave Girl!!

Chapter 3: Day 5 | Teej Night | Eclipse

After I stepped in LA. I got this 5 hours transit and I made myself busy roaming around the duty-free. While scrolling down the phone and yawning over and over again.  A man in his 40s sat beside me and waved,"Hello". Well, I didn't mind to throw a smile back.
He then started the conversation and to kill my time I joined him. I asked him where was he from and he replied India.

Chapter 2: Welcome to America

2 hours left to land at LAX. In short, I am already in The USA. So, WELCOME TO AMERICA!!!! (drum rolls).

I am sitting by the window.
Yes!!! because you get to peek outside but at the same time No!! Everytime I go for wash-room it feels like I am troubling the two ladies(Mom and Daughter) sitting beside me. And the two ladies are really friendly and kind. They are so bookaholic and I literally spent my most of the time talking about authors and books and Wattpad. The mom sitting beside me seems to be really cool. She is from India but now living in LA and the coolest part is she is a scientist with a Ph.D., even her husband is a scientist and her daughter is in college majoring in Biology.
Seems like the whole family is going to be a scientist.

While the transit in Abu Dabhi, I was so sleepy that I slept on the chair but a ring from my Uncle who is in Australia woke me up. After a short little conversation, a guy in front of me asked if I was a Nepalese. Oh Yeah !! I am and so was he. You may not know this feeling but talking in Nepali in the foreign country or meeting someone from your own country feels like a boon.
So, to kill the time we talked about college and stuff. He was heading to New Mexico for his Ph.D. in Economics. (Applause)

Like a curious child, I asked him if he ever changed his major. He laughed and said," I have changed my major thrice. First I came here for International Relation, then changed it to Economic, then to Philosophy, then figured out that I don't want philosophy to be my whole life so I changed my major to Mathematics and finally I choose Economics again over everything." That reply made my heart calm. Because I don't know which subject I would like to tolerate and at the same time enjoy and never regret it. He also adds," first two years is for you to find what are you interested in. We left Nepal so that we can have more opportunities and more options so why should we stuck in one and regret our entire life. If you don't feel like it is your cup of tea just keep on switching it until you find the perfect one."

True Shit!!

I hope I find one soon.

Chapter 1: Goodbye was easy

So Yeah!! after a lot of family babblings and my mother's speech on

  • How should I take care of myself and the luggage in this whole 36 hours of the journey?
  • How should I not talk to strangers and mind my own business?
  • How often should I callback home?
  • What kinds of people will I bump into?
  • Whom to trust and whom not to?
  • And finally to never get emotionally attached to people, especially guys because she knows very well that I have commitment issues.
I am currently in Abu Dabhi I have 8 hours long transit. I don't know what am I gonna do in this whole 8 hours. If you are thinking how my flight to Abu Dabhi was?
Trust me! It was Yack!! Horrible!!
A family sitting just behind me had a really nagging baby who kept on crying and crying and crying the entire 5 hours flight.
Even though there was a cute little kid just beside me. He didn't make such irritating noise as much as the other child did.
During the flight, the service providers were so rude. They didn't talk that sweetly or in a calm way as other service providers do. They didn't even give me a blanket when I asked for it like thrice. So, instead of going for fourth, I took out 2 jackets from my hand carry. And, it went all the same when I asked them a glass of water.
In short, God really blessed my 5 hours sleep with a lovely kid and great service providers.
P.S. Note the sarcasm.

So, 8 hours transit what am I going to do to kill time?
I am writing as well as helping some Indian and Nepalese to find their way to the right gate. Some people even started the conversation about how I knew Hindi or where am I going and for what reason. So recalling the long lectures from mom I only gave them a superficial answer. I don't think those people will travel to the USA, come find me and hack my computers or steal my passport or worst situation Kill Me!! (Over-acting)

Well, Well, talking about my mom, the surprising thing is neither my mom cried like a Typical Nepali Aama while dropping their child at the airport nor did I. I am neither excited nor sad. I don't have any feelings right now. It feels like I am going back to India and I'll be back after some months or years.
Maybe a month ago as soon as I got my visa, I was so excited to start a new journey and nervous about new stuff but now all the excitement and nervousness has vanished.

Seems like I am gonna grab some sandwiches to silent my growling tummy.

See ya soon.


Dear Somebody,

I hope you bump into this post of mine and know that you made a mistake by being my friend.
You made a mistake by helping me in every worst day and showed me hope that you will still exist in the coming dark days as well.
You made a mistake by touching my heart and kissing my soul with your deliciously sweet words.
You made a mistake by saying that we will someday be goals.
You made a mistake by existing in my life.



You are nowhere to be found.
You are lost in arranging your chaos world.
You are lost in your love life, which I was unknown of.
You are lost filling the same words in her soul, which was once filled in mine.

Dear Somebody, It was not only your mistake but mine as well.
I took it too seriously. Too seriously to be mistaken.
Too seriously to ever find me.
Too seriously to ever erase you from the soft corner of my mind.
because it is all messed up now and all I know is..... It is slipping away from the cage of my fingers.
And too seriously that now I regret.

Regret that I let you in.
Regret that I let you touch me.
Regret that I dreamt of you with me.

I regret that I just keep missing you. And regret that I met you in the first place.
Placed you in the first seat.
I regret placing my heart on your sleeves and folding it, away from my own reach.

If someday you realize, you made a mistake. I hope you will return a part of me filled with nothing but a word "Goodbye". 


Rush poured in a cup of coffee: Customer Service Experience

It has been a week, I am taking Barista Training at The Barista's Coffee School, Dillibazar. And, today was the customer service training. Let's say more like a practical test where you act professionally like a service provider and along with it, you let all your nervousness pour in each cup of coffee you serve. That's what I felt today.

Since I am taking the private class in the morning, I was combined with the afternoon batch for the customer service experience. Altogether we were 7 and we were divided into 2 groups. I was in the first group which was named CABA (since we have four characteristics of espresso i.e. Crema, Aroma, Body, and Acidity. And, coincidentally we had four members. So, we named our group CABA thinking that each member represents each characteristic without which the espresso is incomplete).

I placed my self in greeting and order taking and the other three were behind the counters ready to brew. As the clock started ticking, I mixed all my excitement and nervousness together, my first mistake.
I showed up with a menu and greeted the customers, "Hello Sir, Welcome to BCS. How can I help you?" Trust me! You might be imagining that I greeted them with a smile and in a calm way but hell NO!! I greeted them in such a rush as if I am going to miss my train.

After taking an order I marched back to the counter and call the order loudly so that my team can hear it and so they could recall it. But we made a mistake again. I called out loud, and in a rush, they started brewing forgetting to recall. And I didn't even dare to remind them.

I served the first order that was hot chocolate. It went all good.

Second, order all good but the third order just turned upside down.

One of the customers ordered Flat white, in a rush, my team mates made the flat white, which had a very little amount of velvet foam and was served in a 100ml cup, making it less like flat white and more like Piccolo. I was so busy in useless rushing and babbling that I forgot to figure out whether it is perfectly flat white or not and I just shove it off.
The customer called me up and complained that it is not the cup of coffee that he ordered, apologizing and taking the cup back to the counter. Worrying and rushing, my team mates made the baby latte but again another mistake, we served Cafe Latte. BOOM!!! Kill me. Not only that.
I made sure that I would present it in a perfect way: spoon and napkin at the right side and sugar sachet at the left. I made sure about it and served it to the customer but unknowingly the set up was in his opposite direction. Since my right was his left. I forgot to rotate the plate.

MISTAKES: a. served the wrong drink.
                      b. plus in the opposite arrangement.

One ordered Iced Mocha, the drink was perfectly made but while serving, to be stupid enough I placed the Pilsner glass over the saucer plate, while I should have placed Pilsner glass at the top left of the salver tray and saucer plate & napkin separately. Because while serving I was shaking so badly that at one point of time I literally thought I would pour Mocha all over the lady.

The other customer called me up and ordered 'Milk Tea'. Now, again being stupid enough and mixing the knowledge of barista I literally thought if people would ask for milk tea we would serve Cafe Latte. I called up my team mates and said he wants Milk Tea, my team mates being correct and confident said," We don't serve milk tea." But mixing my knowledge like a scrambled egg I said, "No, we do. We serve Cafe Latte when any of our customers order Milk Tea." My team mates didn't even take a second to think and rushed to counter. Since we were bounded by a time limit,  our brains were more rushed up,  nervous and juggling every beverage.
The customer was one of our teachers and he called me up and asked," Do we really serve milk tea? Do we even have tea leaves?" Holding the Salver Tray tightly I said, " I guess so if I am not wrong we call Cafe Latte as Milk Tea." I could see the shock in his eyes and he instantly replied," I said Milk Tea, Nepali Chiya, which needs Tea Leaves and we don't have tea leaves." At that point of time, I could literally feel my heartbeat and my nervousness taking me over and over. Instantly, I apologized and asked if he wants to place another order. He ordered for Extra Hot Cafe Latte.
I rushed to the counter call out the order. The order was ready but the thing is one of my team mates mistakenly topped the Extra Hot Cafe Latte with chocolate syrup. As soon as I saw that she was topping it with chocolate syrup I rushed in her direction and said, "We don't top Cafe Latte with chocolate". At that particular moment, we literally felt like we have done something wrong. A huge bold red cross. "What should we do now?", she asked.  "The customer wants Extra Hot Cafe Latte and we will serve Extra Hot  Cafe Latte. Let's make another one", making this quick decision we four made our ways. They made the Extra Hot Cafe Latte with perfect art and I served it with the perfect arrangement this time.
Touching his cup he asked,"Are you sure this is extra hot?". Now again I made a mistake. I touched the upper part of the cup and said,"Yes". But, the thing is we need to touch the lower part of the cup to maintain the proper hygiene.

These were all negative points, which ruined us. We did have some positive points:
1. we made the quick decision
2. the taste of latte was good and even the latte art gave us some points
3. we had good communication. As at one point I was busy serving hot chocolate, one of the customers asked for water. So, I instantly called up one of my team members and asked him to handle it.
4. after serving the wrong cup of coffee, we made sure we apologized and asked if the customer wants to make another order or not.

So, yeah, in short, my first customer service was doomed to hell and at the same point, we realized our mistakes. We team members were literally freaking out after seeing our performance. Next time, we will make sure we wash our all kinds of emotions in the sink or make sure to throw it away in the dustbin rather than serving it in each cup of coffee mixed with espresso.

For more info regarding barista training and latte art, Contact The BCS.
Facebook: The Barista's Coffee School
Instagram: The Barista's Coffee School

From Bournvita to Beer

It all started at the time
when we used to drink Bourn Vita
 mixed in that stinky milk.

I don't remember 
whether it was summer or winter
whether you wore a shirt or a skirt
whether it was your birthday or mine
but I do remember it was the time
when our moms used to pin a handkerchief in our shirt's pocket
when we had our very first day to school with watery eyes
and a water bottle hung around our neck
when we didn't know what friendship is or what love is.

We four met at the time
when we had 
the most immature and the  most innocent brains
when all we knew was 
 princess' dresses, tom and jerry cartoons 
and that one extra chocolate 
reserved for you three on my birthdays.

with the growing days 
the bag became easier to carry 
and we fantastic four
entered our teenage 
with our half mature mind
with not so innocent brains
this time.

Singing out loud Ed Sheeran songs
sharing our crushes names to our nasty heartbreaks
dancing with the glass of beer
which was once filled by Bourn Vita

Graduated from high school 
now here we are:
- Spreading our wings heading to the four different direction
me in the east 
other in the west
and the other two in south and north.

- Paving paths for our 

We will be Struggling hard enough
 to fit in new places
sometimes will be breaking down,
breaking down in such a way that 
we won't have each other 
to hold our backs
to wipe our heartbreaks.

But trust me 
even though we rarely get a chance to talk 
even though in every phone call 
you will shut down your tears 
 say you are okay
and for every time you will cry in the future,
I will always wish 
that I have the right words to say
 if I don't
 just know that I care.

know that 
you people will still be my three chambers of hearts
know that 
even though your nasty girlfriends and boyfriend don't love you
I will always love you 
with too many commas and no asterisks 
I will always love you 
despite having seen you 
in your so not good haircut
despite having seen you 
with your milk teeth falling out 
making a tunnel in your mouth
despite having seen you 
poking your nose.
Not everyone could do that.

after all this

Promise me
we will be back again together
and spend our life 
like goofing idiots.

Maybe we would be dating someone
Promise me
 we won't replace each other.

Maybe we would find the right person and marry them
Promise me
 you three will be present there as my bridesmaids.

Maybe one day we won't have the same energy and strong back
Promise me 
we will dance even in those walking sticks and wheel chairs.

Maybe we won't have some of our teeth
Promise me 
we will still smile showing off the train tunnel in our mouth.

Maybe we won't be touching beer at that time
Promise me 
we will go back to our Bourn vita days again.

Checkered Love

While browsing on Instagram I bumped into this fashion store @maisonshefali from Jaipur. I  went through their each post and found their design really incredible. With each design, there were inspiring quotes and one of the checkered midi dress 'Check the flower' really caught my eyes. Without any delay, I messaged the store if they can ship to Nepal and they replied,"Yes!! Of course". I gave them my body measurements and the dress arrived at my place within 2 weeks.

The Ultimate Color

You wore blue deeper than the sea when we met for the first time.
I was in my black talking to one of the clients whereas you,
on the other hand,
were sitting across me holding a cup of latte
a boring white cover book by Gayle Forman.

Half and Half

When the rain and the sun are too busy sharing
their pain with droplets
and a hint of sunshine 
forgets to care about you and your umbrella
I will always be there with mine
sharing it with you.
Just like
Half and Half.

Embrace Me

Embrace me
in such a way  that
I could feel every thin thread of your
woolen shirt

Let's start all over again

It's been years, long dreadful years and my guilt is tearing me apart and ripping my soul every night. People say,"Karma is a bitch" and I do agree with that because years ago I left her and never turned back. Years ago when I slit her heart out in a blink of an eye. Years ago when nothing worked between us and instead of mending and fixing it, I chose to abandon it. Years ago when tears rolled down her cheeks every night and her pillow knew, I chose to agree with my own imaginary fact that 'She was overreacting'. Years ago when her swollen eyes would search the old me and all she got was new me who was too busy, busy with the useless shits. And yes Karma is a Bitch because I feel it now.

I don't feel like writing

I am confused, strangled and suffocating in the maze of words.
I don't know what to write! Shall I just copy and paste some incredible breath-taking words and post it, feeling unreal and not really me.
Or just wander through each neuron and search for something to write.

So Pardon If I

The air got me feeling like a tiny leaf,
making me move here and there,
making me shiver from its each blow.
So pardon if I just lose myself.
Because I can't take it anymore,
because I can't bear it anymore
others are hanging still and straight
but I am no others.


My first day of college 
I still remember it clearly
as if it were just yesterday.
 I still remember how dynamically I woke up
as if sparks were emitting from my body
like a firecracker.

To My Valentine

Dear Valentine,
Thanks for marching into my world and breaking all the walls built around my heart and soul.
Thanks for bringing Spring where only Autumn and Winter existed
Thanks for planting Middlemist Red, Kadapul flower as well as Jade Vine, which made my life a little colorful and a little bright that it never forgot to glow at night.
Thanks for sticking by my side no matter the situation.

Novels and Poems WERE My Enemies

If you don't 

like to read.

You haven't found 



When I was in 9th Grade, I used to hate poems and novels. 
It all started with "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. The poem made everyone attentive and conscious whereas me it just worked opposite. It forestalled my brain, drowned my eyes, tranquilized my nerves and made my head fall on the desk.

The Guy in Checkered Shirt

Day 1

With giggles, laughs, and talks I entered the reception of an Institute. My eyes scanned the reception and it just stopped at you. Yes, YOU!! who was sitting at the extreme corner of the hall, in a checkered shirt with a roughly arranged pompadour hair and a blue colored backpack resting on your lap.
I don't know what came up to my brain, it just supported my heart and made my legs to march towards you.

. "Oh my God! What am I doing?" I thought but it was too late. My heart and brain worked together and made me sit across you. "OK! Thanks to my brain and heart this time, who didn't make me sit beside you. It would have been a really awkward situation." You were bored by sitting in the same place for half an hour where as me on the other side of earth was too busy juggling all the emotions. My brain was playing all sorts of songs and my heart, on the other hand, was too busy doing some cool dance moves. And, above all this, I was trying to be normal on the outside.
Then the receptionist calls out your name and there you go making your way to the Dean's Office. My juggling jeopardizes, my brain stops singing songs and my heart pauses like a mannequin. I am hit hard by reality. "Girl wake up from your dream."

Day 2

I marched inside the class half dreaming and dressed like a nerd with a high ponytail, round geeky glasses, a pair of sandals, blue faded jeans, an oversize sweatshirt and a really boring shoulder bag. The class was all full of noise and laughs. I scanned for a vacant seat and here I go at the very first bench where no one can watch me neither can I. Dreaming and wandering, my brain made its way to the romantic novels. The lecturer marches in shattering all the fictional stories with the bundle of notes and assignments, it is going to be a long day I assumed.
You can't imagine 57 minutes 56 seconds was so torturing. As it got over, my eyes were no more sleepy. WOW!! 
The lecturer, as well as some of the students, moved out. I turned around to see how many others stayed for the second lecturer and then my eyes spotted you at the very end of the class with the same yellow checkered shirt. This is something I didn't expect. My heart immediately raced like McQueen on the race track and my brain paused. You looked at me. Our eyes met like bullets piercing each other souls. It took my brain a whole minute to realize that I was staring. Embarrassed from my action, I turned around and took a deep long breath.
This isn't a Wattpad Romance Books. Stop assuming as if you had the first sight blaaa blaaa blaaa stuff. 

Day 3 AND SO ON......

Days went by like water flowing down the river.
We would pass by each other like wind passing through the leaves. No smile, No Hi, No eye contact But just a shiver which only my heartfelt. Our eyes would meet but our lips would never utter a word.
I sometimes prayed to god to stop these butterfly kind of feelings from my belly, these stupid love songs which my brain automatically played and these idiotic dance moves which my heart by default starts when it senses you.
And finally, he listened to my prayers and granted my wishes by making you absent on days, which I later on regretted. You showed up twice or thrice in a week and rest of the time you just vanished with no trace. And then when your study course got over, you left no trace but just an email which I, unfortunately, got from the record list when I was searching for mine.

I know we are strangers. You don't even know my name. You don't even know how I look like.
It took me two months to gather all the courage to just tell you Hi through this blog. It might sound insane to some people and Yes!! it is insane But, I really can't get you out of my mind. Maybe someday I can. BUT It's NOT TODAY.

P.S. If you are reading this now. The crush fever is already out of my head but I don't mind saying you Hi.


Early morning when the chilly wind was passing through my naked hands and face, making every cell of my body shiver. Sniffing, stumbling, and arranging my muffler I caught the bus(Nepal Yatayat) at 9:00 am. The bus was full of chattering youngsters in college uniforms and some people in their mid-twenties. I sat at the first and only vacant seat available. I was busy bugging into my cell phone for early news, on the other hand, teens were busy gossiping about their college stuff.

 When the bus was about to start, a lady entered carrying an infant. Without having a thought, I immediately left my seat for her. The lovely smile of the lady really satisfied my morning. I thought.

Then at the next stop, entered a man in his 60's with wrinkly old skin. A lousy woolen cap on his head and a hefty bag on his hand, he searched for a vacant seat. Poor man, every seat was occupied. He even scanned for the Senior Citizen's seat where the two gentlemen in their mid 20 were so lazy to stand up that they ignored him. Each and every youngster on the bus ignored him.

For me, this was too intolerable. I waited for a minute thinking maybe anyone could leave their seat for him. But No! Nobody stood up. Nobody spoke anything. Neither those college students nor those gentlemen and ladies. The maximum height of my exasperation spoke out loud, making me the center of attraction and tying the tongues of every fellow passengers'.